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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27279787">The Old Guard Bits and Pieces</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/OldGuardianNewTricks/pseuds/OldGuardianNewTricks'>OldGuardianNewTricks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Humour, M/M, The Guard’s All Here, fluff and nonsense, how do I tag this?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:34:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,256</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27279787</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/OldGuardianNewTricks/pseuds/OldGuardianNewTricks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><strong> Update </strong>  This is now finished- details in Chapter 16 which is actually just a note and not a real chapter.</p><p>This was a series of funny (?) drabbles and bits about TOG.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Andy|Andromache of Scythia/Quynh|Noriko, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>179</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. S-Word Play</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nile, Nicky and Joe are watching Game of thrones. </p>
<p><strong>Nile:</strong> Hey- did you guys ever name your swords?</p>
<p>(At the same time)</p>
<p><strong>Joe:</strong> That’s kind of private Nile.</p>
<p><strong>Nicky:</strong> Pleasure Bringer!</p>
<p><strong>Nile:</strong> What?!</p>
<p><strong>Nile:</strong> OMG! I meant your weapons!</p>
<p><strong>Nicky:</strong> I have already answered</p>
<p><strong>Nile:</strong> No, Nicky-your longsword?</p>
<p>Nicky opens his mouth</p>
<p><strong>Nile:</strong> Never mind</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Twisted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nile has long since accepted her family are a bit weird and apparently have no shame. But returning to the safe house on a wet Tuesday has her overhearing something she will never forget. </p>
<p>Paused with her key in the lock she hears Joe and Nicky</p>
<p><strong>Joe:</strong> Please don’t put your hand there my beloved.</p>
<p><strong>Nicky:</strong> Well I have to or I can’t move my leg.</p>
<p><strong>Joe:</strong> Well it hurts when you bend my arm.</p>
<p>Nile breathes deeply, she just wants to get warm and dry and eat Chinese food.</p>
<p><strong>Nicky:</strong> Can you please just bend a bit more.</p>
<p><strong>Booker:</strong> No Nicky, I’m bent in half as it is!</p>
<p>Booker! What?! And that’s too much- just too much and Nile wrenches her key from the door and runs.</p>
<p><strong>Joe:</strong> Guys was that Nile? Hey Nile, wanna play Twister?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yep- I really did that. </p>
<p>If you have read this- thank you!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Medicine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Medicine</p>
<p>Andy wandered towards the bathroom miserably. She’d picked up a cold and now a cough, being mortal sucked.</p>
<p>She opened the cabinet and stared in forlornly</p>
<p><strong>Andy:</strong> Nicky, where’s the heroin?</p>
<p><strong>Nile:</strong> Did you just ask Nicky where the heroin is?</p>
<p><strong>Andy:</strong> Yes</p>
<p><strong>Nile:</strong> Why?!</p>
<p><strong>Andy:</strong> (crossly) Because I cannot find the heroin.</p>
<p><strong>Nile:</strong> Why do you want heroin?!!</p>
<p><strong>Nicky :</strong> She means for her cough, there’s cough syrup in the kitchen. </p>
<p><strong>Nile:</strong> You people are weird</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <em>Fact- Heroin was marketed as a wonder drug for a few years. Especially for coughs e.g  tuberculosis and asthma. As an asthmatic I find it fascinating.</em>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Knocked Up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nile wanders into the kitchen of the current safe house. She’s not quite awake yet so she raises her had sleepily towards the guys and heads to the coffee pot. </p><p>It’s only when she’s drained half a cup (seriously Joe is a coffee wizard) that she realises she’s walked into an argument.</p><p><strong>Booker:</strong> No, no way.</p><p><strong>Joe:</strong> It’s your turn!</p><p><strong>Booker:</strong> I did it the last time.</p><p><strong>Nicky:</strong> (indignantly) You did not! Joe did it and they threw a wardrobe at him.</p><p><strong>Booker:</strong> Yeah, not convincing me.</p><p><strong>Joe:</strong> (Looking sad) You owe us Book</p><p><strong>Booker:</strong> Hey!</p><p><strong>Nile:</strong> Ok guys- what is going on?</p><p><strong>Nicky:</strong> We’re trying to decide who’s gonna knock Andy and Quynh up this time. </p><p>Nile can’t help the coffee that comes out of her nose. She really can’t.</p><p><strong>Nile:</strong> Ok, what does Nicky actually mean?</p><p><strong>Joe:</strong> We are deciding who’s gonna knock them up. Booker is the best knocker upper but he won’t.  Maybe you should do it. They probably won’t throw a wardrobe at you.</p><p>Nile decides that the answer to this is more coffee.... drunk outside. </p><p>In the end Booker did knock up Andy and Quynh.... and they did throw a wardrobe at him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Fact- In Britain before the invention of alarm clocks a “Knocker Upper” would get up early and wander around tapping on windows with a long stick to wake people. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Andy and Quynh refuse to use alarm clocks because reasons. Plus Andy destroys each and every one the Guard buy them. </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Good Morning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sorry!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One of the unexpected pleasures of getting to know her team mates is introducing them to movies she grew up with. </p><p>Good movies.</p><p>Bad movies.</p><p>All of them. </p><p>The boys in particular pay great attention- too much attention Nile discovers one memorable morning.</p><p>They have a call booked in with Copley- routed through various VPN’s around the world. Copley always looks a little nervous in these but Nile can’t blame him, she assumes he will relax as he gets to know them. </p><p>This morning Nile and Andy walk into the living room to discover that Joe, Booker and Nicky have taken over the couch leaving no room for them. Slightly puzzled they perch on the arms of the sofa but realise they can’t be seen on the camera. About to say something Nile is stopped by Copley appearing on screen.</p><p>“Good morning, gentlemen” </p><p>He says- peering towards them, undoubtedly looking for Nile and Andy.</p><p>“Good morning Copley”</p><p>Sing song the boys before jumping up into the familiar angels “ass-kicking pose”</p><p>Nile slaps her palm to her forehead, Andy snorts and the boys collapse giggling onto the couch. </p><p>Copley looks slightly taken aback  but handles it well. He’s never quite as nervous of them again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Pardon?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Joe has been working on a piece of art for weeks. He’s not let any one see his WIP, not even Nicky. </p><p>Finally he appears at the door to the living room and says they can come see it.</p><p>Andy and Nile rush for the room Joe’s been using as a studio but can’t get there before Nicky. As they approach they hear Nicky’s soft voice delightedly saying</p><p>“Oh, my heart. It is awful.”</p><p>No, thinks Nile. He didn’t say that. They head into the room and a presented with the most glorious landscape Nile has ever seen. It’s breathtakingly beautiful.</p><p>Nicky is staring at it with a stunned look on his face</p><p>“Truly awful my darling”</p><p>Nile does a double take- which impressively turns into a triple take as Andy says</p><p>“Absolutely- this really is awful Joe”</p><p>Joe beams at them saying </p><p>“Thank you. Thank you.”</p><p>Whatever, thinks Nile- just go with it</p><p>“Yeah Joe- totally, totally awful”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <em> So, of course “awful” used to mean “full of awe” or awesome.</em>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Seasoning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Guard have a lot of down time. A lot. Sure they train as a team and individually. They visit museums and art galleries. They travel. They chill out. They also, Nile discovers, play a lot of silly games. </p>
<p>One evening Joe asks the room in general</p>
<p>“What foods would we be?”</p>
<p>Nile has a slightly bad feeling about this one...</p>
<p><strong> Nicky-</strong> You’d be a passion fruit. Because you are passionate and fruity. </p>
<p><strong> Joe-</strong> Oh beloved- you’d be a blowfish. </p>
<p><strong> Nicky-</strong> ???</p>
<p><strong> Joe-</strong>Soft and delicious but deadly in the wrong hands</p>
<p><strong> Nicky-</strong> Awh babe! </p>
<p>Nicky kisses Joe - Booker throws a cushion at them. </p>
<p><strong> Joe -</strong> Booker would be escargot.</p>
<p><strong> Booker-</strong> Because I have a hard shell but am soft on the inside?</p>
<p><strong> Joe-</strong> Nope, just coz even the French don’t eat slugs.</p>
<p>Booker throws another cushion at them.</p>
<p><strong> Andy-</strong> Do me, do me!</p>
<p><strong> Nicky &amp; Joe-</strong> Potato</p>
<p><strong> Andy-</strong> Coz I’m practical and adaptable?</p>
<p><strong> Nicky-</strong>No boss, coz you’ll go with anything. </p>
<p>Andy snorts in delight.</p>
<p><strong> Nicky-</strong> Nile would be....</p>
<p><strong>Nile-</strong> Oh god. </p>
<p><strong> Joe-</strong> Seasoning</p>
<p><strong> Nicky-</strong> Yeah- none of us would be complete with out you.</p>
<p>Nile thinks that’s really sweet. But obviously doesn’t tell them that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. (Literal) Plot Bunnies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nile can’t help but notice the rabbits. Any time she asks the boys or Andy about the mugs with rabbits on, or the rabbit cushion, or the rabbit toothbrush holder they simply shrug and say </p><p>“Booker”</p><p>With varying levels of sadness (Andy), deep hurt (Joe) or simmering rage (Nicky).</p><p>It takes a week after Quynh returns with Booker for them all to beg him to stay. None of them should be alone. Tensions are high at first but after a few long, painful chats things seem to be back on an even keel. </p><p>One morning Nicky and Joe stand in front of Booker, hands behind their backs. Nile is worried but Andy and Quynh look on intrigued.</p><p>Nicky and Joe have one of their silent conversations using only their eyes/eyebrows in Joe’s case and their jaw in Nicky’s. </p><p>Together they each produce a present wrapped in shiny paper.</p><p>Booker takes them carefully and asks</p><p>“Will these explode?”</p><p>Nicky snorts and says</p><p>“Nope- not this time”</p><p>Nicky’s present is a beautiful 1st edition of Watership Down, Joe’s is a pair of squishy slippers shaped like bunnies-complete with floppy ears and cotton-tails. </p><p>Booker swallows hard and then leaps up. There is much crying and “mes frères-ing.”</p><p>Andy is laughing so hard she can’t stand up straight. </p><p>Nile shares a baffled look with Quynh and says</p><p>“Right! That’s it-what’s with all the rabbits guys?”</p><p>Booker pulls Nile and Quynh to the sofa with him and says</p><p>“Let me tell you of the time that bastard Napoleon, the one who had me hanged remember, had to run away from an army of bunnies!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <em> Fact time- Yes, Napoleon once did have to run away from an army of rabbits. A rabbit hunt was arranged but when it started the bunnies- of which there were many-decided to swarm towards Napoleon’s men, Napoleon fled in his carriage. It’s worth looking up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Booker of course has <b> adored</b> bunnies ever since!</em>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Wink</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Guard like games. Parlour games or board games. Or bored games as Nicky called them once. He chuckled to himself and looked eagerly at the others waiting for them to laugh. But as bored games sounds exactly like board games no one did laugh. He wasn’t disappointed for too long though because Nicky’s disappointed face makes Joe want to make him happy, in any way Nicky wants, and Nicky has very particular wants. </p>
<p>Nile was happy when she introduced them to Wink. Simple enough (she thought). They all take a card, one card is marked  “murderer” the others are blank. The “murderer” makes eye contact with the other players, winks and that player drops down dead after counting to 5. </p>
<p>There were two issues</p>
<p>1) Every time Nile, Andy or Quynh died Joe and Nicky would accuse Booker. Even when Booker was in Paris. And the others were in Rome.</p>
<p>2) Every time Joe picked the murderer card he would wink at Nicky first. And whenever Joe winked at Nicky he would simply grab Joe, drag him to their room and “die” in a different way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>To be fair Nicky is never going to resist a wink from Joe- who could?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Pardon my French</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The usual explanation of the phrase “Pardon my French” is said to be English (speaking)  people in the 19th Century using French words and then apologising “Do excuse my French” as clearly their audience/friend/poodle/husband were clearly not as sophisticated as they were and wouldn’t understand.</p>
<p>This, is incorrect. </p>
<p>The phrase is actually derived from a time in the 19th Century when Nicky, Joe and Booker spent 6 months in England for reasons none of them can quite remember. Andy had point blank refused  to set foot upon the ****ing island ever again.</p>
<p>A certain Sebastien Le Livre was very depressed and very, very drunk for most of the their time there. This led to Joseph and/or Nicholas (or JoeLas as Booker thought of them) following him around with a constant litany of </p>
<p>“Please pardon my French friend.”</p>
<p>“Do excuse my friend, he’s French.”</p>
<p>“Did he say that? Oh do please pardon him.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don’t know.... it’s just all happening by itself now.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Flirt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nicky was drunk. He’d bypassed merry, frolicked with tipsy but was now just very,very drunk. </p>
<p>He was sitting in the booth of the bar with his head propped on his hand looking at Joe. Joe was winking at him, Joe was often winking at Nicky. Nicky liked it very much. </p>
<p>Nile was looking at them with delight. They were so adorable. Booker and Andy were ignoring them and concentrating on getting more drunk. </p>
<p>Nicky was attempting to wink back at Joe but was failing. He simply blinked slowly whilst also, for some reason, sticking his tongue out. </p>
<p>He pointed at Joe and said </p>
<p>“I like your hair.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, thank you.”</p>
<p>Smiled Joe</p>
<p>“And your....ears.”</p>
<p>“My ears?”</p>
<p>“Yes I would like to lick them please.”</p>
<p>Said Nicky, very earnestly.</p>
<p>“Ok guys- enough of the flirting, Joe take Nicky home.”</p>
<p>Joe was looking at Nile as though he couldn’t believe what she’d said.</p>
<p>Nicky pointed at her and said</p>
<p>“I pardon your beg! I would not flirt with this Joe, he’s my man.”</p>
<p>“Quite!”</p>
<p>Said Joe and they left.</p>
<p>Nile looked to Andy and Booker for some advice but they were currently trying to see who could chug a beer fastest. </p>
<p>“Weird” </p>
<p>Thought Nile. </p>
<p>“Adorable but weird”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <em> Fact- Back in the 1550’s flirting was to turn your nose up or sneer at someone. </em>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Hemp</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This one is a bit different. </p>
<p>Not sure if people will dig this but here goes....</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Andy hurt. She was still as fearless even after loosing her immortality. She was still going to throw herself into the fight, it’s just that she was sore and irritable afterwards. Still she knew exactly what would make her feel better. </p>
<p>Nile was woken up by someone, well, whooping was the only word for it.  She grabbed a dagger that the boys had given her and crept down to the living room. Opening the door she was met with a wall of smoke. Very particular smelling smoke. </p>
<p>Andy appeared to have made herself a tent from propping some swords in a couple of plant pots and chucking a blanket over the top. </p>
<p>Nile peered in at her, coughing.</p>
<p><strong>Andy-</strong> Nile! Come in!</p>
<p><strong>Nile-</strong> What are you doing?</p>
<p><strong>Andy-</strong> <em>*Thinking* </em> Um, relaxing, taking a pain killer, having a bath.... and getting a bit high. </p>
<p><strong>Nile-</strong> Yeah ok- just open a window when you’re done. </p>
<p><strong>Andy-</strong> Whoop whoop!</p>
<p>Nile went back upstairs to find a sleepy Nicky at his door</p>
<p><strong>Nicky-</strong> Is she “bathing” again?</p>
<p><strong>Nile-</strong> She mentioned a bath but she’s just getting stoned in a sort of tent.</p>
<p><strong>Nicky-</strong> As long as she doesn’t forget soap and water exist again, g’night. </p>
<p>Sometimes Nile just didn’t want to ask. </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <em> Fact- Ah, finally degree comes in handy. Time to go to dear old Herodotus who says of the Scythians,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “The Scythians, as I said, take some of this hemp-seed, and, creeping under the felt coverings, throw it upon the red-hot stones; immediately it smokes, and gives out such a vapour as no Grecian vapour-bath can exceed; the Scyths, delighted, shout for joy, and this vapour serves them instead of a water-bath; for they never by any chance wash their bodies with water. Their women make a mixture of cypress, cedar, and frankincense wood, which they pound into a paste upon a rough piece of stone, adding a little water to it. With this substance, which is of a thick consistency, they plaster their faces all over, and indeed their whole bodies. A sweet odour is thereby imparted to them, and when they take off the plaster on the day following, their skin is clean and glossy.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>(Herodotus Book IV- Translation by G.Rawlinson)</em>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Death</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I mean- this one is does what it says on the tin!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Death really couldn’t help but be just a little bit miffed every time one of the Guard ‘died’.<br/>
Off he’d go with his cloak and his scythe which really was quite heavy.</p><p>
  <strong>“I AM DEATH! YOUR TIME IS UPON YOU MORTAL. PREPARE...</strong>
</p><p>
  <em> Buggeration it’s you is it. Off you pop then. Wouldn’t have come all this way if I’d known. Rushing all this way and you can’t die- luckily I don’t have to do paperwork. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>oh, they’ve gone.”</em>
</p><p>But then when one of them does (occasionally) actually die- Death’s gutted and a bit star stuck- he’s admired their not dying antics for millennia. He’d love their autograph but doesn’t have a pen. Or paper.  Andy does let him have a little go with her labrys though. And he lets her hold his scythe and they make a terrible pun about Scythe-ians which they are both very glad no-one will ever know about.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Smile</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Everything changes- doesn’t it?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nile hates shopping. </p>
<p>Well, not necessarily shopping but shopping with the Guard. Clothes shopping is fine- they power through and buy what they know they like, Nicky buys what he likes in multi-packs. </p>
<p>It’s all the other stuff. They traipse around shops in whatever country they are in looking at the huge variety of products that all look very similar and yet different. Nile complains that she can’t remember what country there were in when she found a leave in conditioner she particularly liked. Nicky laughed and said he once spent 3 days in France looking for a soap that he’d bought there a few years earlier, only to be reminded by Joe that it was in fact  176 years earlier. Nile’s face had dropped at that</p>
<p>“You’ll find so many cool new things too though.” </p>
<p>Says Joe giving her a quick hug. </p>
<p>Sometimes it all gets a bit too much. One day she needs to buy toothpaste. Just toothpaste. Essential but there are so many types-and yet they all claim to do the same job. She goes for one made with ‘activated charcoal’. Not knowing if it works but hey if her teeth fall out they’ll grow back again. Probably. </p>
<p>When she gets home she asks the others if teeth grow back.</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>Says Nicky</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“Just trying out a trendy toothpaste- if it doesn’t work I want to know they’ll grow back in.”</p>
<p>Joe and Nicky reassure her then they all come and peer at the toothpaste. </p>
<p>“Oh charcoal is back is it?”</p>
<p>Says Joe</p>
<p>“Do you remember the charcoal and honey one? I liked that.”</p>
<p>Says Nicky</p>
<p>“My all, you like anything sweet.”</p>
<p>Andy sniffs</p>
<p>“What was wrong with just chewing on a stick? I mean we all had teeth.”</p>
<p>“Not very good ones and not the ones you have now Boss”</p>
<p>Laughs Joe.</p>
<p>“A stick?”</p>
<p>Asks Nile</p>
<p>“Yes, we’d chew on a stick and don’t you mock young lady what’s charcoal if not burnt up sticks!”</p>
<p>Nile really doesn’t have an answer to that. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I mean Andy has a fair point.</p>
<p>Nicky is remembering a charcoal and honey whitening paste from the Victorian era. Androm-Baklava-ache was very partial to that particular one too.</p>
<p>Many substances have been used to whiten and clean teeth- over the millennia. From sticks to urine (yep) and charcoal to sulphuric acid and cyanide.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Snap-Dragon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Please don’t try this at home!</p>
<p>(Always wanted to say that.)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Copley spends his days looking for the perfect missions for a unique team of mercenaries. He also spends time cleaning their trails both physically and digitally. This is his job. His vocation and he truly is honoured to do it.</p>
<p>He may have disassembled and packed away his ‘murder boards’ as Nile calls them but his drive to research his charges persists within him. He digs through historical material trying to find records of Andy, Joe and Nicky. Quynh too but she was gone for so long. He tries to not dwell on Quynh too often. Her fate fills him with a fear bordering on terror. </p>
<p>Sometimes he comes across an illustration or a diary entry or even a newspaper article which whilst not naming the Guard is very clearly about them.</p>
<p>Sometimes though- he comes across something that doesn’t allude to them in any way but just reminds him of one or other of them. And sometimes his curiosity just cannot be quelled. </p>
<p>They have weekly video chats. Highly secure video chats. They’ve covered everything they need to and Nicky is about to end the call when Copley says something in a rush. </p>
<p>“Pardon?”</p>
<p>Says Joe</p>
<p>“Didn’t quite catch that.”</p>
<p>“Snap-dragon.”</p>
<p>Says Copley.</p>
<p>Nile looks at him with a raised eyebrow. Joe laughs, Nicky face palms and Andy and Booker smirk at each other. </p>
<p>“I take it you invented Snap-dragon?”</p>
<p>“What’s a Snapdragon?”</p>
<p>Asks Nile her confusion clear.</p>
<p>“Nothing, just a game, nothing to do with us, goodbye Mr Copley.”</p>
<p>Say Nicky banging the lid of the laptop down. They all stand, preparing to leave until Nile says</p>
<p>“Sit your asses down!”</p>
<p>They do because Nile is not asking. </p>
<p>“Explain.”</p>
<p>“Nile life used to be really boring, so very, very boring. So we occasionally invent new games. And then mortals see us playing and join in.”</p>
<p>Says Andy</p>
<p>“So how do you play Snapdragon?”</p>
<p>“Easy- you get a shallow bowl and fill it with brandy. Throw in a load of raisins, or plums or almonds if you don’t have raisins. Or grapes- I mean grapes are raisins just pre being dried so...”</p>
<p>“Andy!”</p>
<p>“Alright! Then you set fire to the brandy and the raisins are like little candle wicks so they catch fire too, then you just stick your hand in the bowl grab a flaming raisin and put it out.”</p>
<p>Booker is visibly sniggering by now, Joe is grinning and Nicky is serenely looking out of the window and not at Nile.”</p>
<p>“How do you ‘put it out’?”</p>
<p>Andy shrugs</p>
<p>“With your mouth, you eat the fire raisin”</p>
<p>This time Nile face palms.</p>
<p>“You invented this didn’t you?”</p>
<p>“Possibly, maybe.”</p>
<p>“Andy?”</p>
<p>“Oh ok, yes!”</p>
<p>“And people actually started copying you?”</p>
<p>“Oh yes.”</p>
<p>Agrees a cheerful Joe</p>
<p>“Particularly popular with the Victorians if I remember- the youngsters used to get really excited to play. They had a little rhyme to sing and everything. So sweet.”</p>
<p>“Youngsters!!”</p>
<p>Squeaks Nile</p>
<p>“I give up, it’s not just you lot, history was weird too!”</p>
<p>“Fancy a game Nile?”</p>
<p>But Nile has gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <em> Facts- Yes, this was indeed an actual game. Played at Christmas time usually. And really what says fun game more than a bowl of flaming alcohol. Claimed to have been played by children but I’m just going with youngsters here. Snap-Dragon or Flap-Dragon was played from the 16th Century but those Victorians really took it to their collective bosom! In my brain Andy definitely invented this game. Lewis Carroll created the  Snap-Dragon Fly in Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There based on this game.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <em> “Look on the branch above your head,' said the Gnat, 'and there you'll find a snap-dragon-fly. Its body is made of plum-pudding, its wings of holly-leaves, and its head is a raisin burning in brandy.'</em></p>
<p>
  <em>'And what does it live on?' 'Frumenty and mince pie,' the Gnat replied; 'and it makes its nest in a Christmas box.”<br/>Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  </p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. NOT A CHAPTER! Author’s note only.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>No actual story here and no (intentional) funny either- sorry!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hi, </p>
<p>Thanks so much for all the support for this nonsense. I’ve decided to stop this for now as a bit of writer’s block is setting in and I can’t let this just build up forever. </p>
<p>I am also aware that as the word count rises people might think this is a long fic and be annoyed that it isn’t. Really I should have linked them all as a series rather than a multi-chaptered fic.</p>
<p>Part of me is strongly tempted to delete it all and consider re-posting but am trying to not delete stuff on impulse at the moment. For now it stays as is.</p>
<p>If I come back to writing funny bits and pieces for these amazing characters I will write a series for them.</p>
<p>Cheers for reading and have a good day.
 If it’s not a good day then you’ve got this- and another good day will come xx</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I’m on tumblr as OldGuardianNewTricks if you want to say hi.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading.</p><p>If you left Kudos or comments know that you have cheered me up hugely.</p><p>If you smiled/laughed then you gladdened my heart!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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